The bookmarks say it all
Research on dismissal and the DDA, worst case scenario became reality. After leaving me to stew overnight as to what the outcome to the capability meeting would be; the wonderful caring company I have worked for for seven years dismissed me because they didn’t feel my attendance would improve. Funny how I haven’t been back long enough since I started the BPD treatment for them to know that….
Is it just my naive black and white thinking that’s having trouble with all this or do we really have to spend our entire lives fighting?
What a pile ‘o shite
Eruption in the workplace.
It’s about time for an update. After having three months off being up down left and right (more left than right) I decided to return to work. A phased return was recommended, just to break me in gently and to make it a less daunting experience. All was good with the plan, apart from the fact that it was making me extremely anxious. I’m still feeling like an emotional wreck. Monday was my first day back, all of which was spent going through emails. Tuesday was a continuation of emails and the whole going back to work thing was slowly starting to seem like a good move. Then I received the brown envelope of doom, other wise know as an “invitation” to attend a capability meeting. To cut what could very well be a long story short the outcome of this meeting could result in my dismissal. This came as quite a shock to say the least. I was given a final written warning last September for having time off prior to discovering that there is something wrong with me that explains it all. Neither the union nor myself were impressed with that decision at the time, particularly as the first written warning stage had been skipped. We appealed but to no avail and the final warning stood.
As anybody with BPD could imagine this day turned into possibly one of the worst days of my life. Knowing you have a mental illness in itself can sometimes be enough make you resent both life and yourself, without having the disastrous consequences that suffering with it can cause thrown in the mix. I almost handled it for a while, then it was pointed out to me that after three months off I was being taken into this meeting over short term absence?? I lost it, had what I would class as a minor “go” at my manager (which I have since apologised for), took my coat and left at 11:45 trying desperately to not break down in the middle of the floor. I got out forgetting my phone and keys. I got out again, left the grounds and no sooner had I got past the wall I went. Read the rest of this entry »
On the Bill at Brighton
The trip to Brighton to see the ingeniously warped Bill Bailey was as imagined. Fun, bizarre and bloody brilliant. Five people in a tiny Nissan for just over five hours was a sight in it’s self. Brighton was gorgeous, with some truly stunning architecture (unfortunately due to crap batteries I have no pictures of them), a relaxed sea front and great weather…Amazingly we were walking around in t-shirts for two days in October in the UK.
Promises, thanks and tags
I have been writing the morning pages since I made my last post, and they are still helping a little. The problem is I haven’t written anything else since either. I promised myself from the start that I would not let this blog be something that I have yet again let myself fail at for so many reasons. I intend to keep that promise. I don’t brake promises (the fact that I don’t make them often helps) I’m not going to start now. This post may take me a while to write but I’m bloody well going to do it!
So…
I want to start by saying thank you to all of you that have been reading the blog so far, your support, comments and feedback have been gratefully received. Thank you for taking the time out to read what I have to say. Please keep it coming. On that note actually, I’m struggling with tags. I have never been any good at putting proper labels on things, and this is no exception so if anybody have any tagging advice or even suggestions please let me know, I need all the help I can get 
!
Time didn’t help
I still haven’t managed to gather my thoughts well. To be honest I feel in a bit of a daze. The last week started out on iffy ground anyway with my appointment with the councillor. I talked about the nasty stuff and how I can’t seem to figure out how what happened did. It helped a lot in the sense that I can now accept that it wasn’t in my control at the time, I should have done something but the fact remains that I couldn’t have at the time. Whatever way I look at it was abuse, it’s whether or not a stronger word could describe it or not that’s the issue now. Dredging up the past never seems to go well for me no matter how hard I try, it always triggers something.
I’m trying something new yet again. My mum lent me a book about unblocking your creativity which i started to read last week. It’s a twelve week course in a book pretty much aimed at letting your creativeness flow. Part of it is the Morning Pages. Three pages in a book that I write every morning before starting the day. Just the writing of the random thoughts that pop into my head until all three pages have been filled. I have to say it’s going pretty well, whether it works as intended or not I’m finding just the simple act of writing my thoughts in the morning proving to be very useful. I guess It’s a clarity thing, jotting down thoughts and half reading them back seems to clear the mind a little, lets some of the important things breath while you write them. I wouldn’t have done the new wallpaper without them, and I certainly wouldn’t be in the middle of cleaning the kitchen from floor to ceiling and beyond (there are lifeforms that constitute as newly formed galaxy’s in there!)
