Eruption in the workplace.
It’s about time for an update. After having three months off being up down left and right (more left than right) I decided to return to work. A phased return was recommended, just to break me in gently and to make it a less daunting experience. All was good with the plan, apart from the fact that it was making me extremely anxious. I’m still feeling like an emotional wreck. Monday was my first day back, all of which was spent going through emails. Tuesday was a continuation of emails and the whole going back to work thing was slowly starting to seem like a good move. Then I received the brown envelope of doom, other wise know as an “invitation” to attend a capability meeting. To cut what could very well be a long story short the outcome of this meeting could result in my dismissal. This came as quite a shock to say the least. I was given a final written warning last September for having time off prior to discovering that there is something wrong with me that explains it all. Neither the union nor myself were impressed with that decision at the time, particularly as the first written warning stage had been skipped. We appealed but to no avail and the final warning stood.
As anybody with BPD could imagine this day turned into possibly one of the worst days of my life. Knowing you have a mental illness in itself can sometimes be enough make you resent both life and yourself, without having the disastrous consequences that suffering with it can cause thrown in the mix. I almost handled it for a while, then it was pointed out to me that after three months off I was being taken into this meeting over short term absence?? I lost it, had what I would class as a minor “go” at my manager (which I have since apologised for), took my coat and left at 11:45 trying desperately to not break down in the middle of the floor. I got out forgetting my phone and keys. I got out again, left the grounds and no sooner had I got past the wall I went. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t speak. My eyes streaming I eventually managed to make it round the corner so nobody would see me and called the other half. I couldn’t even speak to him. He had to come and calm me down and get me on a bus. I eventually managed to get home where I continued to break down at varying intervals, calming down to a feeling of numbness by bed time. I have felt numb ever since.
It was lucky that I had the next day off as part of my phased return, it at least gave me time to settle more into the numbness rather than having my eyes erupt every five minutes. going back this time was worse than the four week build up to going back the first time, and I still don’t know how I managed it.
I don’t know what to do. If they are indeed intending to fire me they will regardless of the circumstances.
They are aware that I have BPD, take medication, see a councilor and psychiatrist, and there is a company doctors report that states it should be expected for me to take time off because of the illness, and that it is in my best interests to remain working. How it could be seen as necessary to do this to me now is beyond me.
From my perspective the company hasn’t got the first clue about mental illnesses and how to deal with them. It’s high time they found out. Nobody should be made to feel the way have by a company that claims to care. I don’t feel like I have a great deal of fight left in me, but if the worst case scenario becomes reality i am determined to make damd sure i go kicking and screaming in a way that hopefully will make a difference to all that follow me.
