The Impulsive Lazy Perfectionist

My mood is still up and down like a whores knickers at the moment, and it’s really doing my head in. It’s like there are a billion conflicting thoughts and emotions whizzing round in there, some stay for a while, typically a few hours but some have lasted almost a day.

The first notable strong feeling is “I’m bored with myself, I need to become me” whoever that is. This has involved several activities that I have started, and i am hoping that they will also play a part in assisting me in managing the BPD. Meditation is one of them, and it does actually seem to be helping. It’s only been a few weeks since i started but it’s one thing I have kept up surprisingly – despite the fact that it makes me feel like my mother! I bought Meditation for Dummies initially which has some very good tips on the basics, such as posture which aids the relaxation techniques. The CD that accompanies the book contains some good guided meditations which i would highly recommend for beginners as they gently help you to learn how to bring the mind back into focus when it wanders. Mindfulness seems to be the specific type of mediation I am drawn to, and the last few guided meditations I have tried have been very effective. If your interested in Guided meditation the best suggestion i have is to try what you can, some of the voices for example can be very off putting – frankly some of them are bloody irritating! I will try to keep this site updated with my progress and hopefully some half decent comprehensive and factual information on meditation as i learn.

Meditation has helped me to develop my artistic side too, which is something that I really do enjoy. Creativity is the one thing i know is part of me, but i have never found myself to be any good at it, particularly in my own eyes. I did art in high school, but my laziness resulted in a C grade – what was the point in doing sketch books for every project when you were a person who had an idea and sprinted with it? It’s probably that annoying perfectionism that gets in my way. I create a piece, but it’s not right or 100% original and i stop, I failed, I get annoyed and never do it again. However, after meditation i found my self sketching some of the images i saw. I’m in the process of turning one into digital art at the moment, and it’s coming on quite nicely – after almost a week I’m still doing it (a shocker in it’s self!). I might just have found that creative “thing” that is me.

I’m still not ready to go back to work yet though, despite the apparent discovery of a few things that work for me there is a huge amount of rogue emotions doing the backstroke on the inside. Fear is a big one, I’m afraid of my own reactions at the moment, especially at work. There have been some changes yet again that i am not overly fond of to say the least, and with my current state of mind i might just say some things i will regret later. I have also only just become comfortable with my manager, enough to at least try to give him an idea of how I’m doing with my mental condition – the last time i had to try “getting to know” a new manager caused a great deal of anxiety for me, i quite simply cannot put myself through that again, I’m not capable of coping with it. I also disagree with the way the new team works, and the ego’s that are part of it all ready and I’m just not ready for that sort of conflict. I’m just starting on the path to manage, and potentially recover from BPD – how the hell do they expect me to deal with half the things that trigger the problems i have all at once? Another thing is that I won’t be working with somebody who i consider a friend, one of very few. Because we suffer from some similar illnesses we understand each other, and there has been a noticed improvement since we began working together in both of us. If it ain’t broke why fix it?

Last time i went to the GP (last week) he thought some sleeping aid might help – I opted for a rest but I’m starting to change my mind. I think i could do with both. Trying to fall asleep at 11:30 and then waking up at 02:30 can’t be helping. I manage to fall asleep again, only to wake up at 04:30 only this time it’s that Ping! I’m awake! (says the mind, the body says different).

I see both my psychiatrist and therapist in a week or so, and i have been giving the whole medication option some thought, some of the research i have done suggests that specific therapy such as Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) combined with medication is the most effective treatment for BPD. I have decided it’s time for me to take the plunge and do it properly. Maybe that will help with everything else.

I really should post more often…my brain hurts after all that, need coffee!

*Minor edit – my grammer sucks*