The Impulsive Lazy Perfectionist

As the rain pounds on the window I reach for the spoon buried in a tub of ice cream. The agony in my head feels like a thunder storm. The ice cream is gone. I light another cigarette and sip at the lukewarm coffee that I recall making hours ago. I turn on the music, begging for distraction from the pain and confusion swirling round my mind. I refrain from reaching for the trusty sharp object, instead my gaze is drawn to the army of pills strewn over my bedside table and for a moment the temptation is almost too much. It would be so easy. It would make it all stop.

Images race through, leaving glimpses as they pass. Do I really want the man I love to go through that? What would become of the children? I somehow find the strength to ignore the tablets. Instead thoughts turn to concocting ways to make those burning questions go away. If he didn’t love me I could do it. So many little things become twisted in my head; fifteen minutes late home from work becomes “you don’t give a shit about me because you didn’t leave exactly when you should have”

Is it any surprise that he didn’t have a clue what I was getting at? Then again, how do you begin to explain that part of you wishes he didn’t care because it would make killing yourself a lot easier?

I simply do not know if I have the strength to keep this up. I want to go through with the treatment to make all this stop, I really do. But in the same breath I don’t want. It’s not as daft as it sounds (or maybe it is). He loves me, and I love him more than I could ever begin to put into words. What if it’s the untreated me he loves? What if I remain untreated and end up pushing him away like I have done with every other person that has got even remotely close to me?

Lucky for all of us I am too darn stubborn to take the “easy” way out most of the time, but it is in my thoughts so frequently now compared to the past, and that scares the shit out of me.

I sit and wait for the darkness to lift so that my mind may stay stable just long enough to make the right decision.