I finished one!
The first finished piece i have done in along time – though i might still do a bit more “tweaking”. The photo is a bit dodgy as it’s my phone cam.
On the other front…
I feel bad and good all rolled into one. I think i may have spent a wee bit too much this last few weeks, on random fluff to use the words the other half used this morning. I know, I know – I shouldn’t really but my god it helps. I got some new incense to aid the meditation which I’m still doing, candles for the same thing, and they look great and smell wonderful. I restocked the Lush, got some new cloths, and found shoes…oh my god they are the most fantastic shoes ever and i hate the fact i have said that, it makes me feel too girly! I got a few household objects too. Only because i went a bit nuts and pulled the entire bedroom to bits, moved the furniture around and threw out all the tat. It got a well deserved 100% clean. Not bad after only four hours of sleep. I was hoping it would tire me out but alas the plan failed, five hours of sleep later and I’m on a shopping spree and pulling the bathroom apart…
My mind this week
My mood is still up and down like a whores knickers at the moment, and it’s really doing my head in. It’s like there are a billion conflicting thoughts and emotions whizzing round in there, some stay for a while, typically a few hours but some have lasted almost a day.
The first notable strong feeling is “I’m bored with myself, I need to become me” whoever that is. This has involved several activities that I have started, and i am hoping that they will also play a part in assisting me in managing the BPD. Meditation is one of them, and it does actually seem to be helping. It’s only been a few weeks since i started but it’s one thing I have kept up surprisingly – despite the fact that it makes me feel like my mother! I bought Meditation for Dummies initially which has some very good tips on the basics, such as posture which aids the relaxation techniques. The CD that accompanies the book contains some good guided meditations which i would highly recommend for beginners as they gently help you to learn how to bring the mind back into focus when it wanders. Mindfulness seems to be the specific type of mediation I am drawn to, and the last few guided meditations I have tried have been very effective. Read the rest of this entry »
When darkness falls
As the rain pounds on the window I reach for the spoon buried in a tub of ice cream. The agony in my head feels like a thunder storm. The ice cream is gone. I light another cigarette and sip at the lukewarm coffee that I recall making hours ago. I turn on the music, begging for distraction from the pain and confusion swirling round my mind. I refrain from reaching for the trusty sharp object, instead my gaze is drawn to the army of pills strewn over my bedside table and for a moment the temptation is almost too much. It would be so easy. It would make it all stop.
Images race through, leaving glimpses as they pass. Do I really want the man I love to go through that? What would become of the children? I somehow find the strength to ignore the tablets. Instead thoughts turn to concocting ways to make those burning questions go away. Read the rest of this entry »
How can you write if you can hardly see?
The swirling mess inside my mind has no mercy. I am blind. Emotions race through me like a stream high in the mountains. My mouth a dam,blocking the path. Questions need to be answered. Is the water safe and pure? Has my brain tainted what i think i feel? How does one begin to express emotions that may not exist? If the mind is capable of creating such distortion I may never know what i truly feel.
