In loving memory
My sincere apologies for not updating the blog regularly, I have lost my mojo. This last few months have been difficult, filled with what could only be described as a mixed bag of emotions and events.
My grandmother fell and shattered her hip at the end of January. After a week of sitting in her chair hoping it would get better on it’s own she went to hospital. A day later she was sporting a brand new hip and my kids had dubbed her the bionic gran. Things were improving, she had started to get to grips with the zimmer frame and there was color back in her cheeks. The weeks went by and I have to say she was looking a lot better with each visit. Sadly, at the extraordinary age of 94 in the early hours of march 4th an infection proved too much for her to handle and she passed away.
She was an outstanding woman who dedicated her life to her family to the end, never complained and was always smiling. She was a fairytale gran with her perfect grey hair and her devotion to making other people happy. Meals would be lovingly prepared and served to the family and more often than not she would sit down at the table forgetting to serve her own. For birthdays she would always make sure there was a little something for the sibling so they didn’t feel left out, and she would always supply us with our favorite biscuits (usually those pink and white blobbed marshmallow covered things with jam in the middle and coconut sprinkled on top…what on earth were they called?) Read the rest of this entry »
Busy doing nothing
I can’t believe it’s been so long since I posted anything! Furthermore I couldn’t say why exactly. It doesn’t feel like I have been doing anything at all lately except for trying to find a job (with no luck). I’m bored of being at home all day with nothing to sink my teeth into except the fortnightly grocery shop, it’s a sad existence I know. Occasionally throughout the last few months I found myself messing around with Illustrator and have created a few nice images of nothing in particular.
I have a habit of creating patterns and images from various shapes, this is one that turned out like a flower. I quite like this one.
I turned 30 this month rather uneventfully. I really couldn’t face making a big thing out of it, discovering just how few Read the rest of this entry »
Turning Point
Writing hasn’t been at the forefront of my mind this past month, loosing my job has made me think seriously about what I want to do with my life. I have mixed emotions about it all to be honest, a huge part of me is angry and bitter that they couldn’t see the person in front of them, just the fact that I had been ill and therefore not at work. I couldn’t begin to explain to them that I had been dealing with all the abuse I had suffered over the past thirteen years. It just feels as though after seven years of working for them they finally managed to push me out in such a petty way, while other people, whether genuine or not are still there and still continue to take the Michael. I’m now unemployed during a world financial nightmare just before Christmas, great.
On the flip side I was never happy there, the job was something I took while I was still married just because we needed the money at the time, in the end it did bring me more stress than it was worth. Maybe it’s the push that was needed to make me actually look to the future. I have done a lot of reflecting of late and come to few not so shocking conclusions.
Life just seems to be stacking up behind me with no clear direction. Since leaving school and home in 1995 I have spent all my time and effort on surviving the hear and now, moving in with my then boyfriend got me out of the parental feud scenario that we seemed to be stuck in, working those crappy jobs just to earn some money. Then i fell pregnant and priorities shifted to making sure my son had what he needed. I guess what I needed didn’t really get the chance to surface. After we split up I met somebody else, unfortunately there was no time to consider my personal future then either. I fell pregnant after about two weeks of us seeing each other and so the cycle continued, I do what is needed not what is wanted. People always ask me if I regret having the children, and the answer is simple. No. I don’t know many parents who would say they did. The only regret I have is having them so early on in my life and the circumstances they were born into, I wouldn’t change them for the world.
Friends keep you alive
So many people say life is passing them by; myself included. They are right, and i have a theory as to why. What we all lack is the means to get back into the game. Is life really a game? If it is people haven’t read the rules. Winning in life isn’t about beating your fellow competitors, it’s all about filling and using your own potential. Actually, when you break it down the method to succeed is quite simple. To play a part in the ultimate game we need to live. Potential, dreams and desires are all aspects of ourselves designed to promote and encourage our own living. Why do we seem to have so many problems doing it?
The first mistake is thinking we need to do it on our own. Life is a team game. The more members a team has directly effects the amount of dreams and ambition in the pot. In turn; and I apologise for the RPG reference (I’m a geek, i think in weird ways); this fills the imaginary experience bar. You cannot be living if you don’t experience anything.
Inside *updated*
A life of deception in a world of deceit
Just trying to get by, so we could all eat.
Never sharing our feelings, put a smile on your face
Appearance is everything in the big fake life race.
Inside you crumble but the world must not know
Failure is your own fault, everyone tells you so.
You don’t deserve their pity, you feel a disgrace
You need to be winning that big fake life race.
